G3t PWN3d N00b!
by AMKelley
Summary: In which Hannibal is no longer a virgin, Will is a boss ass bitch, and they express their feelings on season 3. (please note that this is crack and purely for comedic relief)


Will and Hannibal stood hand in hand at the caboose of the train, looking off into the horizon of the setting sun. It was a nice and calming change after their rather adventurous and wild honeymoon in Paris and Hannibal thought it would be a nice epilogue to just one of many chapters in their life story together.

Hannibal had been thrilled when Will accepted his proposal. Then again, how could Will refuse when Hannibal had spent the time to spell out the proposal in human body parts against the backdrop of a rendition of Primavera? Will couldn't help but be impressed by how romantic it was.

"This is nice," Will sighs dreamily, closing his eyes and just feeling the wind breeze through his curls.

"Isn't it though?" Hannibal humors, squeezing Will's hand a little more tenderly.

"Mmm-hmm," Will hums, resting his head against Hannibal's shoulder. "Especially after all the glorious lovemaking you did to me."

"Stop!" Hannibal giggles in slight embarrassment, playfully tapping Will's arm. "I wasn't _that_ good..."

Hannibal had been so nervous when it was time to actually bed Will. The idea of making love to Will had seemed perfect and easy in theory, but once the clothes came flying off he suddenly felt at a loss. He didn't know where he was supposed to put it in, which resulted in ten minutes of him poking the head of Will's penis with his own, trying to make it fit. Will was patient though and kept encouraging him.

 _"It's okay, sweetie. Just take your time. There's no rush," Will would say, smiling and patting Hannibal like a dog._

When Hannibal finally figured out where to put his penis, all on his own by the way, he knew the hardest part was over and the real fun could begin. Hannibal still a little trouble here and there, but Will kept cooing praises and little hints to keep his spirits up. Things like, and not limited to:

 _"Oh, Hanni. You're doing such a good job. Don't go too fast. Remember, slow and steady wins the race."_

And when Hannibal finished eighteen seconds later Will congratulated him.

 _"Aw, good for you, Hanni. You did so well!"_

"Well, you tried your best and that's what counts," Will encouraged, cooing much like a mother would when her child failed at something. "You can't help it if you were a virgin up until a few hours ago. Just like I can't help it if I'm a slut."

"Yeah, but you're a classy slut," Hannibal compliments, pecking Will on the cheek.

"That's because I'm a boss ass bitch, baby. You should know that by now," Will says nonchalantly.

They both sigh in unison, Will admiring the view of the last light of sun gleaming off the train tracks and Hannibal thinking of all the possibilities that lay ahead for them and their new life together.

"You know what would make this evening more perfect?" Will inquires.

"Hmm?" Hannibal hums.

Just then, Will grabs Hannibal by his lapels and hoists him over the railing of the caboose. Hannibal scrambles to with Will to get some leverage and ends up clinging to the rail with white knuckles. He dangles there, thrashing feebly as he tries to climb back up, but the train in motion won't let him.

"I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling _so_ attacked right now!" Hannibal shrieks as Will towers over him. "Why would you do such a rotten thing to me, William? I only ever wanted to destroy everything you loved so we could be happy together!"

"Welcome to the real life, cunt face."

"But I thought you loved me, William? After all, we had so much gay butt sex together!"

"Oh please, I only married you so I would get all your money when I divorced your punk ass," Will scoffs, bracing a hand against the rail as he promptly rests the other one on his hip. "Any last words?"

"I thought season 3 was... _okay_. It could have been better honestly. I feel the writers really jumped the shark this time around," Hannibal admits, internally shaking his fist at Bryan Fuller.

"Yeah... I don't think this is what Thomas Harris had intended," Will concurs in a slow and painful agreement. "Maybe that's why NBC is canceling us... It's a shame, really."

"Yeah..."

Will and Hannibal look at each other with wide eyes for a long moment, Hannibal still dangling and Will slouching. It felt as if they had said too much and now there was just an awkward silence between them. Will straightens up and leans down towards Hannibal, grasping his clinging hands to loosen his grip on the rail.

" _Welp!_ Deuces, bitch!"

Hannibal lets go of the rail as Will forces his grip off. Will releases Hannibal's hands and the good doctor goes tumbling onto the train tracks, knocking himself on various rocks and blunt edges of metal on his way down. He rolls from the impact a little bit before coming to a halt and he pushes himself up from the ground to see Will giving him the bird.

"Get PWNed n00b!"


End file.
